my insides are building collapses...

buried deep within me...

Say Uncle...


Yeah things are alright I guess. He quit drinking...well sorta. He went two weeks but then cut his head with a crowbar at work and had to get staples and the Doc didn't perscribe pain meds for it so he had a few drinks a couple days this last week. But over all he has done pretty well. When he drank the second time it made his stomach hurt and quit before he even finished what he bought. I am getting really nervous about the Halloween Party, so far only two people have RSVP'ed!!! I still have a couple more I need to send out. I haven't thrown a big party like this in a really long time...I just want everything to go great and everyone have fun! I know I shouldn't have bought that new stereo but it really helps with the music dept. now, plus I have been meaning to buy a new one for a while there is my justification. :-P
I finally caught up with my parents coming to visit really put me behind. I was so behind I had to half ass everything and my grades are suffering!!!! This isn't me! My personal life has been out of whack lately. :-( I also think the girls I am sitting with now have influnenced me too. I am not by any means talking smack about these girls because I really do love them, but they tend to slack off. I know I slack but they really slack and I sorta feel like that has rubbed off on me. I have to start this 25 page paper very very very soon!
Well I'm out for the night. Gotta pick him up at work in six hours plus I have to workout in the morning. I guess I'll have to work out twice tomorrow. :-D I neeed too...I have put on tn pounds since my parents left and my clothes are fitting too tight!!!! UGH I hate that I love food. I need to join Over Eaters Anynomous. Actually I need to freaking exercise more than once every month. I have been so freaking busy I have left out my favorite thing to do!!! I'm telling life has been weird lately. ................. Anyway............

Peace and Carrots.

Writer's Block: Get in my belly
Which television show continues to get worse every season and should just get cancelled already?

when she makes anything Mexican!!!!

when nobody sleeps.
So it's been over a month since I was last on here. I am affraid somethings still haven't changed. I honestly feel that once I am done with school and have a real job...making my own money feeling independent...thats when everything our whole lives will completely change. And I am changing with or without him. Sometimes change is good...especially when you want it and I sure as hell need some form of change in my life. For better is all I can hope for.

I find myself telling you all my secrets.
I am not a bad person, just emotionally and sometimes physically deprived.

Today is our 5 year anniversary and I am trying my dearest to be excited about it, but over the past few weeks I have gradually built up a wall and I am affraid it might not come down for him again...nevermore.

I really hope this tutoring job goes through. I need to start saving money, just in case something happens and I can support myself and my kid for the time being. I'm not going to lie...I am terrified, unsure what my acutal feelings are...ok may be more confused about my feelings than anything else. what you do best Amber....put that smile on your face and pretend everything is ok. :-/

I need to get off my butt and upload some pics to the computer...I also need to get out and take some pics. I have been so out off it the last week. Just had a rough time tryin to think clearly. :-/

can't shake the deep pit feeling.
I don't even know where to begin. I feel like something isn't right. I know something isn't right. I'm never wrong about it...that gut feeling. I really am overwhelmed about this. something just isn't right. I know stuff with my mom and sister has stirred up again but it feels like its more than that. I know there is. UGH, I have emailed and called some friends and gotten checks that people are fine, not to mention blowed off too. I can't believe Chasie just blew me off. Fuck man, I should have known anyways. If its not about her or if she isn't getting what she wants, she really doesn't care. So it seems. Then stuff with Brandon again. he says nothing is wrong but something isn't right there either. I don't know. I am sooo tired. My brain seriously hurts. My kid is being a fucking brat too! WTF I can't ever just catch a break some days.
I got some news the other day that Brandon has said about me. That he resents me because I don't work. WTF is that shit. I take care of this stupid fucking house adn his kid plus two fucking pets, not to mention all the shit he doesnt want to do with his family I do, I run stupid errands for him too. It didn't matter if I worked or not. Even when I was working he bitched and bitched about how my job wasn't important. I feel like he will never be happy unless he marries his fucking booze.

Writer's Block: Collect 'em all
Do you collect anything? If so, what do you collect, and what made you start your collection?

I collect old/new records. It actually started about 10 years ago when I accidently ordered The Anniversary's "Designing a nervous breakdown," cd and instead they sent me the vinyl. When I got it, I was like "What the hell do i do with this thing?" So I went flea market shopping and found a nice reasonable priced record player and fell in love with vinyls. It gets to be an expensive hobby but I get lucky and come across great deals like "FREE."

feeling a little misplaced....
I don't know, maybe I am just weird or coming down from my caffiene high but I certainly have been feeling out of it for the last couple hours. A part of me just wants to go to bed and another part of me wants to cuddle with Brandon,and another part wants to run away. I don't understand why I have been so tired lately. I mean overly tired.

Ever since we introduced ourselves to the neighbors, we have inhertied some little girls whose names I can't seem to remember. It's nice but they are a little invading. I think its cause I am not use to friendly neighbors because they are sweet kids.

This summer school crap is...well exactly what it is...crap. We were originally only suppose to go two days a week and now our professor wants us to come four and whatever days she wants. This is a bunch of crap, what about those who work??? Those who don't have the money for a babysitter everyday??? Bitch man. I can't seem to get my brain to turn back on. I shut it off from learning for two weeks. UGh, I am so ready to be done with school.

I don't think that taco meat set well with me. I'm feeling uneasy. I kind of want to smoke but the kids are running around in the yard. I really don't want them to wake up Fallon. I am not in the mood for a house load of kids yet. we still have unpacking to do and they are nosey about what we have in here, makes me a little uncomfortable. I have a ton of pics I need o upload but I am not feeling up to it.

those are just a few. Too tired to upload the rest. :-)

Writer's Block: Better than leftovers
If you had to eat the same thing for dinner every night for the next year, what would you choose?

Ramen noodles. :-)

Writer's Block: Ticket to ride
If you could take an all-expense-paid two-week vacation to anywhere in the world with one friend or partner, where would you go and who would you take?

This is tough...I have a tie between two places. I have never been out west and would love to start in Mexico all the way up through Califonria, into the Rocky Mountains all the way to Canada and end in Alaska. I would be able to take sooo many beautiful pictures!! The other place I would love to go to Asia, I would love to see all the beatiful asian temples and the food! And I could also take some awesome pics there too! :-P You know I really don't know who I would take. I mean, it has been a dream of my mom, sis and I to travel up to the west coast.

Writer's Block: Higher state of consciousness
What movies do you like to watch and what kind of munchies do you like to scarf down when you're enjoying some free time?

I have a three year old little girl and I am a full time student, I really don't have a lot of free time. So when I do get the chance to watch a movie alone, I usually watch stuff that is either really girlie or something super depressing. I usually munch on sweet tarts or corn nuts. :-)


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